Wednesday, May 28, 2008

C'mon June 1st!

Boy am I glad May is almost over. I have not really enjoyed this month. Memorial Day weekend was busy. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more and then planted and planted and planted some more. And I'm still not done. But at least all of my tomatoes and peppers are in and lots of seeds are planted and there is basil to brush past and strawberries to ripen in the sun.

Late Memorial Day afternoon I finally got to sit on my clean front porch and have a beer and know that I got a ton of stuff done.

Monday was also my birthday. I turned 38. I didn't really want to, but apparently you don't get a choice. I am not enjoying getting older. Not at all. And I don't really enjoy birthdays anymore either. It doesn't help when you don't get any gifts from your husband and the only card from him makes a sarcastic comment about your housekeeping skills. Thanks. I know. I am whining. I can whine if I want. The only saving grace was that I bought myself two huge ferns and found the first homegrown strawberries of the season. So my pity party happened while I was also eating awesome strawberries over the kitchen sink.

I was kind of glad to get to work on Tuesday morning. And then I opened an email from my cousin that let me know my father had died over the weekend. Somewhat surreal sitting at work and opening an email that tells you your dad passed away. Now this dad hadn't wanted anything to do with me for the last 20 years and I wasn't really expecting to feel sad or really feel anything when the time came. But I did. I was a little overwhelmed. Stunned and sad and angry. Angry that I never got a chance to tell him what I thought of him. Angry that I never got that dramatic phone call at the end saying "sorry I was such a shitty dad and will you accept my apology?" Sad that somebody that shared my first 18 years of life had decided that I wasn't worth knowing anymore and never bothered to see how I turned out.

So dad, sorry it turned out this way.

And in case you were ever interested, I turned out okay.

Actually, despite you and my crazy mother's best efforts to make it otherwise, I turned out awesome. I am smart and I'm funny and I'm interesting and I am strong. I provide for myself because I learned early on (thanks again) that most people could not be depended on for much and you are better off never expecting help. Valuable lessons those.

So, not getting to know me was very much your loss.
Thanks for the dimples though. They've always made my smile stand out.
(I don't look 38, do I?)