Wednesday, May 28, 2008

C'mon June 1st!

Boy am I glad May is almost over. I have not really enjoyed this month. Memorial Day weekend was busy. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more and then planted and planted and planted some more. And I'm still not done. But at least all of my tomatoes and peppers are in and lots of seeds are planted and there is basil to brush past and strawberries to ripen in the sun.

Late Memorial Day afternoon I finally got to sit on my clean front porch and have a beer and know that I got a ton of stuff done.

Monday was also my birthday. I turned 38. I didn't really want to, but apparently you don't get a choice. I am not enjoying getting older. Not at all. And I don't really enjoy birthdays anymore either. It doesn't help when you don't get any gifts from your husband and the only card from him makes a sarcastic comment about your housekeeping skills. Thanks. I know. I am whining. I can whine if I want. The only saving grace was that I bought myself two huge ferns and found the first homegrown strawberries of the season. So my pity party happened while I was also eating awesome strawberries over the kitchen sink.

I was kind of glad to get to work on Tuesday morning. And then I opened an email from my cousin that let me know my father had died over the weekend. Somewhat surreal sitting at work and opening an email that tells you your dad passed away. Now this dad hadn't wanted anything to do with me for the last 20 years and I wasn't really expecting to feel sad or really feel anything when the time came. But I did. I was a little overwhelmed. Stunned and sad and angry. Angry that I never got a chance to tell him what I thought of him. Angry that I never got that dramatic phone call at the end saying "sorry I was such a shitty dad and will you accept my apology?" Sad that somebody that shared my first 18 years of life had decided that I wasn't worth knowing anymore and never bothered to see how I turned out.

So dad, sorry it turned out this way.

And in case you were ever interested, I turned out okay.

Actually, despite you and my crazy mother's best efforts to make it otherwise, I turned out awesome. I am smart and I'm funny and I'm interesting and I am strong. I provide for myself because I learned early on (thanks again) that most people could not be depended on for much and you are better off never expecting help. Valuable lessons those.

So, not getting to know me was very much your loss.
Thanks for the dimples though. They've always made my smile stand out.
(I don't look 38, do I?)


Blogger woof nanny said...

Wow, there is a lot going on in this post, and I'm thankful for your laying your soul out on the table like this. People who have been let down by others often opt to put all sorts of walls around thier emotions, and I'm glad to see you're not doing that. First off, the photo is GORGEOUS! And it's nice to have a lovely face go with a lovely blog. Also, happy belated. Ironically, you might really enjoy the next couple of birthdays. There's something about creeping over 40 (I know, you're not there yet) that is like a coming into your own. I once read about a survey where people were asked to choose an age that they would want to remain forever. Surprisingly, the answer was 42. Having already passed that birthday, I understand why that was the choice. You don't worry so much about dumb stuff anymore like what other people think. You have a wisdom garnered from time. You know yourself and like yourself. It's nice. I like to think of birthdays as National (fill in your name) Day. Your husband not giving you a gift though, dude, that sucks. I'd talk to him about that, say it hurt your feelings and it really is nice to feel special sometimes. But good for you for reveling in yummy strawberries and a cold beer on a clean porch.

2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1) Happy birthday
2) a big raspberry to the card-giver
3) Woof Nanny is right, once you get past the culture-induced trauma of turning 40, it is great
4)Housekeeping skills aren't gender specific
5)strawberries = food orgasm
6) Sorry your dad made such poor choices -- clearly, his loss.
7) WOW you look great! And from what little I know, awesome appears to be the correct adjective. You rock.

9:12 PM  
Blogger Annie in Austin said...

Thirty-eight seems so young to me now, but it sure didn't seem young when I was that age. I'm still thinking about Woof nanny's comment that people want to stay at age 42 forever!

You look wonderful and strong, Meresy, the porch looks great, and no matter how crappy a dad your father was, you lost him - which is a really big deal in both real life and fiction. Too bad that unlike Luke Skywalker, you were cheated out of that final cathartic scene.

Sending you a mix of congratulations and sympathy and wishes for a fine June.

Annie at the Transplantable Rose

11:56 AM  
Blogger cyndy said...

Happy Belated Birthday....
Hang in there Meresy...better days are coming...

Sending a virtual hug your way.

8:08 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Huh! I thought that I was older than you (I'm 32) until I read the number you posted. So hell yeah (can I type that here?) you look GREAT, girl!

I agree with Annie re: your Dad. And I ache for you that your husband didn't get you a good gift... I rather know how that feels. (From The Scent Truck, not even from the Ex!)

June's here... are things looking up for us all yet? And how's "Mah New Tree" doing?

11:21 PM  
Blogger meresy_g said...

Thanks for your kind words everyone! And thanks for telling me I'm I don't look old and washed up. I know in the future I'll look back at 38 and it will seem young, but like Annie said, it sure doesn't seem young right now. I wish I was still younger that Blackswamp Girl, but not much. My 30s have been great so far. 20s....not so much.

And 'mah new tree' looks great. Will post some pictures re: that soon!

10:53 AM  
Blogger Kitt said...

You look fabulous! Despite the rough week. You have my sympathies for the things you want sympathy for. And here's to a better year ahead.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Kati said...

You look fabulous. This is very late indeed, but Happy YOU day! Everybody needs a good dad and I am sorry yours was not one. Parents do the dumbest things, sometimes, don't they -- and I'm speaking as a parent actually. Never underestimate yourself just because somebody close to you is oblivious or preoccupied or whatever he is. My wish for you is clarity so that you can see the dynamics that have caused you your experiences of joy or pain and I know you have the strength and beauty of your soul to guide you to the best of all your desires.

12:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Meredith,

First I'm sorry about your dad. I know what your relationship was like with him (and your mother). I remember those crazy days in high school and the fear of your crazy dad. Still it must be hard but like you said the loss is all his. Secondly, sorry for not having ready your blog in so long and not keeping in touch! In case you haven't noticed, I stopped blogging. Maybe I'll get back into it one day, but my new job doesn't allow me any time right now. (I'm off today.)

Oh and belated happy birthday. what the hell was the husband thinking? that is an awesome pix.

for some reason i'm thinking of mr. hartman right now: "you're power."

12:35 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

You look wonderful and so do the strawberries! I have had a similar "relationship" (or lack thereof) with my "dad" and expect to find out about his passing in a similar manner (or not at all.)
I used to dream of that apologetic phone call as well, but have given up at this point. Thank you for sharing yourself so honestly. It's obvious that you've risen above your dad's bad behavior. Truly AWESOME!!

7:21 AM  

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