Monday, July 10, 2006

Personal Hell

My personal hell, stolen from badger.

I love this meme. I spend a lot of time thinking about personalized hells. Not so much for myself, but rather for other people. Like when I see a sprawling suburban development, I wish that the developer's personal hell is spending eternity driving endlessly around a ginormous subdivision in which all the homes look exactly alike and it is just one cul-de-sac after another with remarkably similar names and he cannot find his own home, ever. Or for the assholes that cannot keep their car to 45 mph or under on my windy country road so I fear for my life every time I pull from my driveway....well for them, I hope they spend eternity as a turtle, endlessly trying to cross a two-lane country road and never being able to do it because people are just drinving way too fast. As soon as he thinks he has a chance, zip...a car comes out of nowhere. Anyway.....

Things in my hell:

Drinks in my hell:

Any hard liquor except Tequila
Diet Pepsi

Food in my hell:

Marshmallow Peeps

Occupations in my hell:

Walmart Greeter
White House Press Secretary for Republican President (they must feel so dirty each and every day)
Corporate Seminar Giver (those people that come and try to get everybody in the team spirit, I don't even know the name for the job, but I always think what a total fucking waste of time).

Music mix in my hell:

The musical stylings of:
Jimmy Buffet (I hate that music more than anything)
Contemporary Christian Music
Anything by these American Idol idiots

President in my hell: I quote Badger -- "um ... crap".

Authors in my hell:

John Updike (I've read almost everything and am convinced he hates women)
That Left Behind retard....Tim something
Alice Hoffman (I want the time back I wasted reading Here on Earth)

Husbands in my hell:

Owen Wilson
Tom Delay
this guy (ewwwww, so weird)
Bill Frist (he doesn't look like he's actually alive)

Only activities allowed in my hell:
cleaning the cat box
cooking crap for my husband cause that's all he eats (refused to eat Local Meal 1 or 2)
watching movies that he brings home from the movie store (Joe Dirt again? C'mon)
Stripping Wallpaper from old plaster walls

Oh and I end with a funny anecdote. I'm driving today and I flipped past a Christian station (we have a lot of them) and this pastor is pleading for people to send in money because the air conditioning at their studio broke, which, in the heat and humidity is devastating to their broadcast equipment and their tape library. And he actually blamed it on the Devil. The Devil broke the air conditioning, because he doesn't want those tapes to survive to teach future generations. Haha. Ohhhhh, powerful Devil. Can't destroy the tapes directly, can only endanger them by killing the air conditioning. Please send money!


Blogger Liz said...

What? Bill Frist is alive? Here I thought he was one of those zombies from Night of the Living Dead.

Your husband didn't eat that chicken? I know that it's not polite to talk about people's spouses this way (esp. to their spouse), but what a lo-ser. If he can't eat that, there's no hope for him at all. What *does* that man eat?

I loved this post!

8:53 PM  
Anonymous Pennie said...

LOL...talking about crazy Xtian stations...when I lived in VA there was a television station WNZA or something like that. I called it the nazi station.

One night for shits and grins I turned it on and they were talking about the evils of those little troll dolls. How one mans daughter became obsessed with some demon and they figured out it was the troll doll causing it. They were telling people to go out and burn these little dolls. I cracked up laughing as my daughter collected them and had a whole room full of them. I went upstairs to make sure she wasn't pulling a Linda Blair on me or something. I believe I went out the next day and bought her a couple more of 'em.

Crazy people some of the Xtians!!!

9:17 AM  
Blogger meresy_g said...

no, did not eat the chicken. Because of that 'green' stuff on it....herbs from the dressing. I thought for sure the corn. It's corn and bacon for God's sake. He eats both those things separately but apparently not combined. At this point, I don't think there is hope. He made a frozen pizza instead. Frozen pizza and macaroni and cheese and meat (with no green stuff on it) is his diet. I don't understand it and have quit trying.

Troll dolls? Who knew. If only these people would pay attention to some of the real evil in the world and quit worrying about the devil hiding behind every tree.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Juli said...

I can't believe my eyes... there IS someone else in the world who can't stand Jimmy Buffet!! This is the best news I've heard since Rosie O'Donnell spoke the truth about Star Jones' weight loss. It wasn't really the diet and exercise... it was the surgeon's work, you stupid b****!!!

I digress.

I enjoyed that meme and have faith in humanity again because there is someone who'd like to see Buffet step on a pop top and suffer from tetnus.

10:10 AM  
Blogger meresy_g said...

When I was in Connecticut, the co-worker I was with found out that there was a Margaritaville in Mystic and begged me to go with her. In no uncertain terms, I told her what I thought of Jimmy Buffet and all the horrible painful things I would rather endure than accompany her to Margaritaville. We didn't go and I didn't feel guilty.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Blackswamp_Girl said...

LOL! This is the way I should start every work day--imagining the personal hell of some person who I really dislike. It would cheer me up immensely and make the day go by much more quickly.

I'm still giggling and the suburban developer personal hell... to your vision of it I say, AMEN!

10:23 AM  

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