Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The chicken story



So last Thursday evening, I went into the chicken coop around dusk to collect eggs and shut them in for the night and Claire was still on the nest. Not normal for a chicken to still be on the nest in the evening. I made a mental note to check her out the next morning, already becoming paranoid as to what this might mean. The next morning she was on the nest as well. She looked uncomfortable and seemed to be flexing her nether regions....y'know, where the eggs come out. Oh God. She is egg bound. Freak out a little bit. I felt her abdomen and it sort of felt like an egg was hanging out there but I couldn't tell and that doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. I will check on her when I get home from work and take action then. Hopefully she won't die by then as a result of my neglectful chicken husbanding ways.

I got home in the mid-afternoon (Good Friday and all) and found her still on the nest. Still felt like an egg in there. Time to take action. I consulted my trusty Storey's Guide to Chickens to see what I had to do to fix an egg-bound chicken. It involved a latex glove and ummm....personal lubricant. Which I did not have. But okay, CVS is only a short drive. I'll just go get some and come back and save Claire's life.

So I go to CVS to buy the personal lubricant, for the chicken, and I wasn't sure where to find it, since I've never bought that particular product (not that there is anything wrong with that particular product, I just haven't had the need for it. Okay, TMI.). Anyway. So I find the aisle in the store where it is stocked and wow. I was not aware that there were so many choices of personal lubricant available. I figured K-Y, Astroglide, and maybe some generics. I was stunned. There are tons and tons of these products! Scented, spray-on, warming, flavored, different colors. When did this happen? I stood there looking at the the five shelves of personal lubrication that stood before me.

And I must have looked bewildered. Because a CVS employee, a man, came over to ask me if I needed help. In my head I was telling myself "Just say no, just say no, he'll go away, just tell him no". But I didn't do that. I said that I was looking for a personal lubricant that was plain, that didn't have any fragrance or smell or warming stuff, just a plain simple one. And he asked if there was an allergy issue or something.

And I said...... "No, its for a chicken".

I know. The words started slowing down before they were even out of my mouth because only then did I realize how ridiculous the words were and how they most likely would totally be taken wrong and would suggest something unspeakable.

And that is exactly what happened.

The CVS employee looked at me with such disgust and horror. And I had to explain about the egg-bound thing and how it really wasn't what he thought. And he still was unnerved and shoved a box containing a CVS brand plain lubricant at me and mumbled "this should work". And I paid and left.

Long story short, after the donning of the glove, the applying of the shame inducing product, and a suprising compliant chicken....she was not egg-bound. She was broody. And she came bounding out this morning all fresh and happy, not sitting on her nest. And I have learned valuable lessons about when to keep your mouth shut.

51 Comments:

Blogger wurwolf said...

Oh my goodness, that is just the funniest thing I've read today. I love the picture you included -- the indignant look on the chicken's face says it all.

4:54 PM  
Anonymous Sandy said...

That is the best Easter Egg story (not) I have ever heard!
The chicken shot is good, too.

5:09 PM  
Blogger Xris said...

My partner has a habit of saying something hysterical as I'm trying to drink something, with the expected results.

You almost just did that to me.

To me, the chicken looks like its eyes just went cartoon-wide when it heard the sound of a rubber glove snapping onto your wrist ...

5:39 PM  
Blogger Robbyn said...

Whew, I'm laughing in a very embarrasing fashion...

that is SO funny and SO like something that would happen to me...oh my gosh

oh my gosh, still laughing...!!!!

7:04 PM  
Blogger cyndy said...

Oh ...that is really funny!! I have heard that its hard to break a broody hen (something about putting them into a swinging cage for a few days)...BUT, you have obviously discovered another WAY to break a broody hen!! AH HAHaha!

still laughing, and glad that Claire is not egg bound, a little bewildered perhaps....

9:49 PM  
Blogger Jeane Goforth said...

Thank you for a healthy laugh to get the morning started right.

4:10 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

I'm not sure who suffered the worst indignity... you or Claire.

You can always make me laugh. Great story! :)

9:17 AM  
Blogger El said...

Snort!

9:36 AM  
Blogger Rurality said...

Cackling mightily! :)

2:47 PM  
Blogger Yolanda Elizabet said...

Hilarious! And that picture of the chicken is priceless. Thanks for sharing both!

3:46 PM  
Blogger Blackswamp_Girl said...

LOL!!!!!!! The picture on the chicken's face is as priceless as your story!

What in the heck is "broody," by the way? (I guess I'm wondering what it means beyond "trying to embarrass those that keep me well fed and cared-for." *grin*)

5:37 PM  
Anonymous Karmyn R said...

That was a great story!!!! Thanks for a good laugh today!

My husband wants to get chickens and I keep telling him "no" because I know NOTHING about them (and since I'm the one home - I know I'd be the one caring for them). Well - this just cements the deal for me!!!

6:19 PM  
Blogger kris said...

Oh, my. I'm a new blogger, and I've been checking out blogs that other people have linked on their sites, and tonight I looked at yours for the first time. What an introduction!!! LOL! I will DEFINITELY be back again! Thanks!

10:49 PM  
Blogger Cathy said...

Is this honest to God true? Hallelujah! That's the funniest story I've read in a long time.

11:05 PM  
Anonymous Author Mom with Dogs said...

So glad I wasn't drinking coffee when I read that. Would hate to have had to buy myself a new keyboard. : )

10:04 AM  
Blogger meresy_g said...

Glad I could give you all a good laugh.

Broody means that she is wanting to sit on eggs and hatch them. She wants to be a momma. But without a rooster, it isn't gonna happen and is an exercise in futility. And they sit on the nest all day and night, not eating or drinking much. Certain breeds are prone to broodiness, Buff Orpingtons being one of them. Its sometimes hard to break them of it.

Don't let my mishaps prevent you from keeping chickens. They are pretty easy to care for and are very rewarding. Endlessly entertaining, great bug eaters, and they produce awesome eggs.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Farm Fairy & Daisy Mae & Bruno said...

Your hen sounds like one of mine...two days and then wham the biggest egg I've seen from her ..The size of a goose egg. Brooding without a rooster makes them look so pathetic. love your story.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Poppy Fields said...

This is the funniest post I've read in days!

11:48 AM  
Blogger Naturegirl said...

Hillarious post! I am so glad that all worked out ok without human intervention! I guess chickens have the same problem as we do at times..who would of thought!Thank you for the chuckle on such a dreary day here in Canada! :)NG

2:24 PM  
Blogger Trailhead said...

I'm over here from Rurality, and you've just made my day. This is hysterical!

7:24 PM  
Blogger Floridacracker said...

Too funny!
I came here from Rurality too.

10:19 PM  
Blogger Juli said...

Me and my reaction: Smiling (yeah! a chicken pic!),
Frowning (uh oh, time to be concerned), Laughing (you know that CVS dude is STILL telling the story of the stupid chicken story!), and more Smiling (a happy ending to Claire's bottom ending).

11:37 PM  
Blogger Kitt said...

You know what they say about the difference between kinky and perverted: Kinky is when you use a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

Thanks for a good laugh!

1:34 AM  
Blogger EFB said...

haha. very funny! will you ever show your face in CVS again?

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Jessica said...

you should warn people that this post might not be suitable for reading at work. I read this - nearly spit my coffee on the screen and could NOT contain the laughter that continues to bubble up when thinking about your predicament. The coworkers noticed when I spit the coffee and then I had to explain about chickens and lubricant and how the two could have anything to do together - believe me it was a bit difficult. But - even considering that your post is truly the funniest thing I think I've ever read.

2:53 PM  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

LOL...ok..THAT was funny.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Petunia's Gardener said...

Oh, goodness! Just the story I needed. I'm still putting off finishing the taxes. Thanks for sharing

10:19 PM  
Blogger meresy_g said...

I think this set a record for comments. And no, I will never show my face in that particular CVS. Luckily there are several more not too much further. Although perhaps I should switch chains. CVS people probably talk in between stores.

5:38 PM  
Blogger Annie in Austin said...

BlackswampGirl has this story linked to today's blog post, and it's not only hilarious, meresy_g, it's educational for those of us without hens...would that make us chicken virgins?

If your CVS is like the ones in TX, you need a card to get the bargain prices, and buying patterns are tracked to help their marketing. I wonder what kind of tags there are on your record now!

Annie at the Transplantable Rose

9:30 AM  
Anonymous Pennie said...

ROFL...thank you so much for the full belly laugh...I needed it. Ummm...after reading your story I had to post something for you over on my blog. :)

8:33 PM  
Blogger roger said...

got here from rurality. great story!!! i have kept chickens and i am so glad i never faced an egg-bound hen.

9:58 PM  
Anonymous Cyn S. said...

Kate at ciderpresshill.com linked to this story and I am so glad she did. Hilarious. My dad was a farmer and so of course, we had chickens. I am still sitting here with tears from laughter running down my face.

When my sons were young, they used to visit their grandparents and were allowed to gather the eggs. One of the boys decided to HELP the chicken once cause he was in a hurry......that, too, was a funny story, but cannot hold a candle to this one. Thanks!! I will be back!!

9:11 AM  
Blogger Kati said...

Oh, this is wonderful. I had such a wonderful laugh, all to myself, with no need to 'splain myself to anybody -- thank goodness!! I too have longed to keep chickens; this makes chicken keeping even more intriguing!

12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well that little story really made my day. its a hard life being a chicken. thanks for making me smile.

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello from the UK!

Oh good grief...now I'm really looking forward to dealing with my egg-bound chicken.

Teenage daughter just dispatched to the village pub for rubber gloves (no village shop, and the car's in the garage) - just imagine what that's going to do for village gossip!

No personal lubricant either - I've been told to use olive oil - no comments about ready basted, please!

Wish me luck!

J

4:58 AM  
Anonymous JD said...

I just have to let you know that everyone I've told this story to has loved it, and some of them have gone on to tell it to others. Your story has now taken on a life of its own...

9:30 PM  
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3:49 AM  
Blogger Rose said...

You are an awesome writer, thanks for the funny informative story.

6:14 PM  
Anonymous clara said...

does anyone know if being egg bound would cause a chicken to walk and stand like a pequin?She seems alittle weak to.What do you do if they are egg bound?

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2:33 AM  
Anonymous anna d said...

hahahaha.... that is sooo funny but guess what... i found this post looking for ways to treat an egg bound chook.... and i guess early tomorrow i will have to go to the store and look for some personal lubricant and a rubber glove..... hmmmmm

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