The chicken story

So last Thursday evening, I went into the chicken coop around dusk to collect eggs and shut them in for the night and Claire was still on the nest. Not normal for a chicken to still be on the nest in the evening. I made a mental note to check her out the next morning, already becoming paranoid as to what this might mean. The next morning she was on the nest as well. She looked uncomfortable and seemed to be flexing her nether regions....y'know, where the eggs come out. Oh God. She is egg bound. Freak out a little bit. I felt her abdomen and it sort of felt like an egg was hanging out there but I couldn't tell and that doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. I will check on her when I get home from work and take action then. Hopefully she won't die by then as a result of my neglectful chicken husbanding ways.

I got home in the mid-afternoon (Good Friday and all) and found her still on the nest. Still felt like an egg in there. Time to take action. I consulted my trusty Storey's Guide to Chickens to see what I had to do to fix an egg-bound chicken. It involved a latex glove and ummm....personal lubricant. Which I did not have. But okay, CVS is only a short drive. I'll just go get some and come back and save Claire's life.

So I go to CVS to buy the personal lubricant, for the chicken, and I wasn't sure where to find it, since I've never bought that particular product (not that there is anything wrong with that particular product, I just haven't had the need for it. Okay, TMI.). Anyway. So I find the aisle in the store where it is stocked and wow. I was not aware that there were so many choices of personal lubricant available. I figured K-Y, Astroglide, and maybe some generics. I was stunned. There are tons and tons of these products! Scented, spray-on, warming, flavored, different colors. When did this happen? I stood there looking at the the five shelves of personal lubrication that stood before me.

And I must have looked bewildered. Because a CVS employee, a man, came over to ask me if I needed help. In my head I was telling myself "Just say no, just say no, he'll go away, just tell him no". But I didn't do that. I said that I was looking for a personal lubricant that was plain, that didn't have any fragrance or smell or warming stuff, just a plain simple one. And he asked if there was an allergy issue or something.

And I said...... "No, its for a chicken".

I know. The words started slowing down before they were even out of my mouth because only then did I realize how ridiculous the words were and how they most likely would totally be taken wrong and would suggest something unspeakable.

And that is exactly what happened.

The CVS employee looked at me with such disgust and horror. And I had to explain about the egg-bound thing and how it really wasn't what he thought. And he still was unnerved and shoved a box containing a CVS brand plain lubricant at me and mumbled "this should work". And I paid and left.

Long story short, after the donning of the glove, the applying of the shame inducing product, and a suprising compliant chicken....she was not egg-bound. She was broody. And she came bounding out this morning all fresh and happy, not sitting on her nest. And I have learned valuable lessons about when to keep your mouth shut.